Re write accomplishment and evaluation of performance and potential

This exercise is to re-write the three paragraph Description of Accomplishments section of my annual employee review, and the five paragraph section of the rater statement.. There is an attachment of what I have written so far in section IV, and section VII separately that the rater wrote. Tthe template shows how much or little room there is to fill in. Promotions are determined by a panel who reviews hundreds of these employee reviews (EERs) in quick succession and then decides who will be the 20% that get promotion. They sit for weeks all day long reading these in quick succession, so it has to be interesting enough to pay attention, and impress them with the person being written about.
My lack of writing skills has always been a factor in holding me back from getting the next promotion. Looking for suggested improvements to what the rater wrote as well.
There is about 40 pages for you to read (easy reading) attached which has guidance on what makes a good EER.
It should end up being something that will keep the readers interest, shows a meaningful impact (the “so what” factor) and that show potential to work at the next higher level. 
There may be some back and forth to explain the work, but one member of the board is from the community so another element is that anyone can read this and understand it.
So a rewrite of the description of accomplishments, and improvements to the Raters statement.

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